THIS is how I feel tonight.

My head is everywhere tonight. I’m feelin’ Nashville. I’m thinking about L.A. I’m watching Sportscenter. Photoshop and Illustrator are open, and I’ve got a stylus plugged into my USB port ready to draw…but I’m typing in Word knowing that I’ll copy and paste it into my blog when I’m done.

Amanda is to my left and I’ve got a glass of wine to my right and even though I’ve got more work due in the next two weeks than I’ve had in a while, things are GOOD.

My first semester of grad school will be DONE in two weeks, and I’m pretty psyched about that, but I need to light a fire under my brain’s ass to get more onto my assignments. Thanksgiving break was great and much needed, but it was nothing but a TEASE of how things will be when the semester is over. It was the calm before the storm of finals, and the last quarter at the bottom of my pocket at the arcade that’s discovered as the continue screen ticks down to zero.

I learned all of this as an undergrad. Thanksgiving is a breather, but “Drew, you can’t get comfortable yet.” Doesn’t matter. I fell for this trick five times before, and I fell for it again over this past long weekend. My head is bouncing between how much we’ve done this semester and what I’m gonna do after May without focusing on the NOW…which I desperately NEED to pay attention to.

But May is only six months away. In fact, six months from TODAY, I’ll be 11 days removed from graduation. Again. And honestly, I think I was more secure in this position as an undergrad, because, HEY, worse case scenario if I don’t find a job for a while: GO TO GRAD SCHOOL.

But what about after GRAD SCHOOL? Whew. Working on that one, and thinking about places I could see myself when I’m done, job (hopefully), internship (OK), or no job (SHIT!)…

Three years ago, as I had six months left of undergrad, I said, NEW YORK. I had it all planned out. I was gonna go to New York and I was gonna MAKE IT!

Instead, I went to Colorado for a month, met some amazing people, and toured the east coast following Mayer and hangin’ with friends for a few months before I settled into my parents’ house, started dating an amazing girl, and began working at a great restaurant.

School started up again after two years, and now that I’m in the hypothetical “Where do you wanna go?” stage again, the locations have changed a bit, but I’ve narrowed it down to three:

Austin. Nashville. Los Angeles.

I could see myself in any one of the three, and I feel like my vibes would TOTALLY match up with them. Austin and L.A. are hotbeds for my major, and Nashville is just amazing in its own way. I’d be happy in any of these places, and I’d feel like I was at least SHOOTING at my dream job[s] (whatever they are, exactly)…

But bring the daydreaming back to right NOW, and I’ve got finals coming up. And then another semester. Can’t really measure it in time, because it flies and it’s never concrete. Good days soar, bad ones are like swimming through jelly.

So we’ll measure it in METAPHOR. I’ve got two mountains to climb before May. I’m SURE more will pop up between now and then, but the biggest and tallest are FINALS (in the next two weeks) and SPRING SEMESTER. Whatever else comes up will seem like a walk in the woods, and I’ll get through it…even if I need a lil oxygen in the end.

So between now and Austin or LA or Nashville or WHEREVER, I’ll keep truckin’.

You know I always do.

D.

On spending.

Check it:

Sunday night, I told myself that I would get through Monday without spending a SINGLE dollar. Not a cent. I had some groceries left over from the weekend and enough random food to get me through the day that I wouldn’t have to buy anything and enough gas in my car that I could go to and from school without a refill. Said I could get by without spending any more money on top of the things I already had.

This endeavor may sound stupid or self-absorbed…I don’t know. I don’t know how it sounds to you, and I hope it’s not offensive in any way, like I’m some douche who wants to “choose” not to spend money for a DAY, but think about it. When was the last time that you went through an entire DAY without spending a CENT? I’m not talking about percentages of your rent or power bills that are included on that day, but spending on top of what you have already paid for, like buying added groceries to what you have, or useless items and coffees that you don’t need. Can you remember?

I can’t. I hit the grocery store up pretty much EVERY DAY, even when I have veggies and meal materials in the fridge. These things go bad sometimes because I don’t get to them in time, thanks to the added things I buy during the week. I also go through days where I BUY my lunch at school. I’ll drop $3.50 on a couple of carrot sticks and a coffee when I HAVE all of this at home, but didn’t take the time to prepare it for the road. Ridiculous. And then there’s the useless stuff on top of this, which can include anything from parking costs to a new t-shirt to that ONE song on iTunes that I HAVE to download for my commute. Stupid.

So I tried it. Monday came, I went to school, hit the gym, and made dinner with food I already had, and it felt pretty good. Thought it was something I needed to practice more often.

And then I remembered I downloaded a song on iTunes that morning while I was getting ready for class. I broke my own promise before I even left my HOUSE and spend 99 cents on a download of the “What’s Going On” cover by the All-Star Tribute from 2001. It’d been stuck in my head and I did it without even THINKING. I hadn’t heard the song in a LONG time, and Marvin Gaye’s version was stuck in my head, so I wanted to hear it again. Took like 12 seconds to download it straight to the touch. Twelve seconds to spend a buck on a day I said I wouldn’t. Idiot.

Anyway, I wanna do this successfully, but it’s HARD to go a day without spending money, and that makes me sad. It sucks that we live in a society where it pretty much HAS to happen on a daily basis, but I have to admit that I’m as guilty as anyone else in this area.

It’s a weird thing to think about, but why not give it a shot? It could be the cool thing to do, like jumping onto a trend before the rest of the world does. Give up spending for a day and see how you feel. Use whatcha GOT and work with it. Because, dang it, most of us PROBABLY have everything we need already. No need to spend. Just live.

Ramblin’ on,
D.

Eighteen again.

Went back to NC State this weekend for homecoming and I became a 25-year-old 18-year-old. My friends and I are seven years removed from our freshman year there, but we’re skilled in taking trips with the metaphorical time machine made up of our memories.

The game was great. State beat Wake Forest 38-3, but the score and the action were only pinpoints in the weekend. This trip was more about catching up with old friends and calling each other out for how we used to be…and re-living certain aspects of our old selves.

We’ve all been through a lot since then. Every year since has been a tally-mark in the age column and a step forward in maturity, but through everything, we pick up where we started as kids in college ready to tackle the world. Our only problems then were finding out where to go and what to do every night. The drama wasn’t finding and keeping a job, but dealt with who was dating who and if this party was worth going to over that one. And we thought THAT was hard…

The main difference between then and now, though, is that in 2003, we were all in the same boat. We were starting school, confident, and nothing was jaded. We lived in the same building and we came together as a family at the start of COLLEGE, where no matter what “they” say about class, you’re gonna learn more about YOURSELF than anything else as you go through the process.

Now we’re all in different places and points of our lives. Some are married, some are back in school, some are states away, and some have big kid jobs. Regardless of where we are, though, we had that first year, and we went through one of the biggest one-year leaps of personal change together: the transition of being a freshman to being a sophomore. People came into and left our group as we moved forward in the next few years. Younger folks joined up and some moved away, but we stayed close, and whether we see each other every day or once every four years, the gap apart is easily closed, and it’s just like running into each other by the entrance of Owen Hall between class or at Fountain for a meal.

So this weekend was great. It was a break from everything of today and a true trip down memory lane. I’ve been wearing nostalgia like cologne lately. Like cologne temporarily covers up the fact that I didn’t shower today (no shame), nostalgia brings back the past in a way that you can hear it and feel it, but you’re not THERE. I can see it, but I can’t cover up the fact that as always, time is flying forward and those days are over (just like I won’t be able to cover the non-shower smell much longer…gross).

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE where I am today and I’m super-happy with life. But the memories I hold on to are what brought me to this point, so I’ll always have a soft spot for those times.

Raleigh is different now, and there’s something new every time I go back. Hillsborough Street is a living juxtaposition of the past and the future, with its run-down shops and restaurants but futuristic airport runway of lights and automatic parking meters. It’s fancy, but the roundabouts suck. Downtown has LINES in front of bars now, and Carter-Finley Stadium hosts a winning Wolfpack team.

Faces are different everywhere we go, but for ONE weekend, we owned the city again, brought back 2003, and made it our HOME.

I love you guys, and I can’t wait until we do this again, wherever and whenever that may be.

Drew

Freshman year:


Saturday Night:

Coffee.

Coffee has become my fuel. It’s the gasoline to my car and the yellow sun to my Superman. I drink it and it pushes me. Ahh, coffee.

I’ve been a two cup a morning guy for three years now, but I’d managed to cut out day consumption over the last year or so…until grad school.

Now I need it. One cup when I wake up. A tall cup for the commute to school. And an afternoon Vente Black before my last classes of the day. I told myself I wouldn’t do that, but after the first time, it was all downhill.

Weekends are no different. I went to brunch at 11:30 yesterday, and by the time we left at one, BOOM, my persistent waitress had topped off my bottomless cup four times. Didn’t even realize it. Until I was bouncing in my chair and chewing my nails.

I’m one down right now, waiting to go get food and itching for my next cup. It’s one o’clock.

Oh, coffee. I love you and I hate you at the very same time.

So long, Bobby. We'll miss you.

The Braves were eliminated from the NLDS Monday night, but that wasn’t the real story. While reaching the end of the season is always rough, it was harder this year because it meant the end of Bobby Cox as manager.

In 25 years of managing the team, Cox lead the Braves to 2,149 wins and 15 straight division titles, including winning the 1995 World Series. He loved Atlanta and his players so much that he’d fight and stand up against every bad call, leading to 158 ejections in his career—first on the all-time list. But he was never bad-tempered. He had heart, and usually got fired up to prevent his players from getting kicked out of a game.

For me, Bobby was always a link to my grandfather. Granddaddy was the reason I loved the Braves. Growing up, I collected the cards and tried to play for a year or two. I faded numerous Braves hats and loved being a fan. However, I didn’t really watch the game until I was a little older.

I remember the moment I started to truly get into the Braves. We’d go to the beach every summer with my grandparents and family, and of course, my grandfather had control of the TV remote. These were the Turner hay-days, when the Braves were on TV six nights a week.

We’d finish dinner and Granddaddy would take his seat on the couch and turn it to baseball. My cousins and I knew this would happen every night, and we’d get bummed because we would want to play movies or watch cartoons, but we knew we were there because of him and respected what he wanted to watch. He’d go to bed kind of early, and we’d get the TV from there.

We got used to this trend over the years, and we’d continually repeat the cycle. Dinner--Braves--Granddaddy to bed--TV control. After a while though, instead of just waiting for control of the remote, I sat down and started to watch. I absorbed the lights on the green of the field and the sound of the bat and learned the players’ names and positions. I became more than just a kid with the faded “A” on my hat. I became a fan sitting next to my grandfather, and it was a great bond.

Granddaddy passed away July 1, 2001. It was my first experience with loss, and it was hard (Of course, it’s never easy). The night before his service, the Braves trailed four runs to the Phillies halfway through the fourth inning. I was down, and the Braves were down. But then Atlanta scored. And they scored again. And again. They went from four down to batting in the runs and winning the game by seven! It was a great game, and it lifted my spirits.

The next day, we said our goodbyes to Granddaddy. When it was my turn, I looked at him, and all I could think of was how peaceful he looked. I got my voice to rise out of my throat and told him about the great Braves comeback the night before. It was our bond, and I know he would’ve been proud. I had to tell him, but I probably didn’t need to, because I’m sure he was watching from somewhere that night.
The Braves went on to win the division again that year, but they entered the playoffs with the lowest win total of the other playoff teams. They lost to the Diamondbacks in five games in the NLCS, and the season was over, but my love for the Braves and the tie to my grandfather lived on.

Of course, I’ve continued to love the Braves since, and I’ve been lucky enough to make it to a few games in Atlanta. Through it all, Bobby Cox has been on the bench in the corner of the dugout. Looking at him, hat low and sun-worn face, he always reminded me of my grandfather, and seeing him always took me back to sitting on the couch and watching the game with Granddaddy.

Last night was Bobby Cox’s last game as manager of the Braves. Besides Chipper Jones, he’s the last Brave on the team who was part of the organization when my grandfather watched them play six nights a week. His impact on the game will be felt for years to come, and while the Braves will move on, it will be different. I know, though, that just like the bond I have with my grandfather, his legacy will live on forever.

Thanks for everything, Bobby. We’ll miss you.

Drew.

R.I.P. Jetta

My Jetta is officially gone. The insurance people finally came to evaluate the damage, and the tow company picked it up while I was at school Monday. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

I’m not gonna lie. I cried. But I’m a crier. I lose it every time I watch “Field of Dreams” and Ray’s dad asks him if they’re in Heaven. “No, we’re in Iowa,” but there IS a Heaven. I tear up sometimes when I tell my girlfriend how much I love her, because I’ve been on the shit side of it and never thought it could be like this. I cried every summer on the last night of camp growing up, and YES, I’ve even shed a few while watching “Gravity” being played in person.

So when my car was taken from its final resting place, I cried.

My mom put a flower on the spot where it got hit, and coming home with it gone (as pitiful as it had been), the whirlwind of the last week caught up with me. Everything’s been non-stop since I had to get out of bed at 3 a.m. a week ago to see the damage, and it really didn’t hit me that it was destroyed until now.

It’s crazy to put so much into an OBJECT, but I’m a sentimental dude, and cars are different than other material goods. They take us places and protect us along the way. They’re a stereo on wheels, and you know you need music for any drive. They’re the last stop for a personal pep-talk before an interview or a first-date, and they take us back when the pep-talks work and things are good (or get us out when we need to run). They are the most important part of any road trip.

And speaking of ROAD TRIPS, my Jetta got to go on quite a FEW (or maybe I should say that I got to go on quite a few because of my Jetta). Together, we went through a total of 11 states and countless trips to the mountains and the beach. We also went to 11 Mayer shows. We drove all over North Carolina, down to Auburn, up to DC, and hit Tennessee from tip to tip. The driving partners changed over time but my Jetta took whoever was riding wherever we needed to go.

I’m looking for a new-used car now, but I feel like the kid from “Old Yeller” when he doesn’t want the new puppy. It’s just not the same.

So, R.I.P., my driving friend. Thanks for the miles and the memories.

Thank you, Michael Franti.

Today is Monday. It’s hard not to think about this fact. The weekend’s done, and a new week is starting up. It’s cloudy out, I’m dragging, and it’s gonna be a lonnnnnng week.

But I’m not gonna Eeyore this morning. Nope. Why?

Because Michael Franti and Spearhead made me smile on my ride to school.

His music is plain-old HAPPY. I saw him open for Mayer in March, and I knew he brought this feel to the stage, but I only danced to it (not on stage, unfortunately [cough]). I didn’t listen hard enough at the time. The song that I was lucky enough to hear today, though, was called “I’ll Be Waiting,” and it turned my “case of the Mondays” attitude into more of a “case of the Tuesdays” vibe. I listened this morning, and the lyrics that really caught me were:

“The best things in life are things

The laughing and crying.

The best things in life are things

The frightened, they’re still fighting…”

He’s speaking TRUTH. The musical aspect of the song was friendly, and the lyrics are right. It’s all about smiles and cries. I wanna add this song to the mix tape of my life right now.

“I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty and “War of My Life” by Johnny May are on this list too. They all have similar themes with various degrees of badass-ness thrown in. Franti’s has more of an “I’ve got your back” feel to it, but it’s got the same message: “Keep fighting on. Don’t give up, and things will be ok.”

The back of my mind believes this message, but when outside forces try to take this belief away it’s a lot harder to hold onto. Songs like this and moments of clarity in between the bullshit and the work are what bring the idea BACK. It’s the last limb on the bottom of the tree you’re falling out of, and it’s there to catch just before you hit the ground. You’ve just gotta throw your hands up and try to grab it, because I promise it’s there. Hang on, climb back up, and keep going, because there’s a much better view at the top of the tree than from the bottom.

I’m working on getting to the next branch now, and I’m gonna tell myself to keep going.

Until I get to that next one, I’ll sit through this Monday with a thanks to Michael Franti and a good song in my head.

D.